“I wish no one at church knew that I had cancer,” the woman said to me with tears in her eyes. “I love my church. I love the people there. But I don’t think I can attend anymore. One more thing I’m losing.”
Here is what led to this statement.
People were well-intentioned, but they asked too many questions. And if she was honest, they didn’t know how to respond. They so wanted her to be better, but she wasn’t improving, she was dying, and people couldn’t handle that. “I ceased being a person and became the ‘woman dying with cancer’.” She also gave examples of silly things that people with serious illnesses don’t want to hear such as: “God will work all things out for good;” “God won’t give us more than we can bear;” “Just trust God;” etc.
A reminder— if someone is grieving, dealing with trauma, or a crisis
AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS.
Questions put people on the spot especially with people who they may not know that well or in a group/public setting.
Questions are stressful. Instead, offer statements of honest encouragement (not fake clichés.). Avoid the God-will-take-care or other spiritual-Bible sounding statements.
What can you say?
For someone you acquainted with but are not close enough to be considered a friend:
“I am (or will be) praying for you;” “You are on my mind often;” “I don’t know what to say, except that we care and you are in my prayers each day;” “We are so concerned. If I can help in anyway, please feel free to ask;” etc. Only say these things if you can say them honestly.
If you are close enough to be considered friends, you can also say things like:
“If you need to talk, I can listen (and just listen. Don’t offer advice or clichés);”
“I go the grocery store 2x a week. I would gladly do your shopping for you or pick up a few things;”
“With a bit of notice, I can take you any appointments or treatments”
“I love to make chicken parmesan. I will bake extra and bring over for your family.”
“Could I come over one day and do your laundry. I can bring something to read so you can just pretend I’m not there;”
“I can run any errands, pick up kids after school, prescriptions, etc.;”
“I can babysit, clean house, do yardwork;” “
If there is a particular time of day or event that is the hardest, I will gladly pray for you at that time;“
etc.
AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS
instead
Use your imagination– what would be helpful to someone in this situation?
Then offer practical, specific assistance.