Category: Empathy & Listening

Listen to Yourself, Sept 14, 2023

I am rereading some of a book I coauthored 30 years ago.
PS
If you want a PDF copy of the book send me your email address.
Doug.NewJersey@yahoo.com

There is a section we called “Listening to Yourself’ and used the term ’Self Talk.’

We all have conversations in our head.
Much of what we hear is the instruction we heard from our parents and others who have influenced our lives.

Some of it is positive:
Various things such as
“I can learn to do things.”
“Though it’s undeserved, I know that I am loved by God.”
“Mistakes are not fatal.”
“I need to know which things just have to be done and which things need to be done the best I can do.”
“I can ask for help.”
“By grace, I belong.”

Some of our self-talk is negative.

For those who have endured abusive treatment or trauma these thoughts are pervasive. These are a few of the thoughts of people who are struggling, compiled by working with veterans affected by PTSD.

As you read this list, listen for the tone of voice you associate with this.

I don’t deserve love. I’m not lovable. I must earn love.
I am not good enough. I must prove myself.
I am worthless.
I am shameful. I must redeem self.
I am stupid [insignificant, a failure, a disappointment.]
I have done something unforgivable.
I should have done ________________ .
Etc.

= = = = = = = 

In some situations, perhaps all of us have had these thoughts pass through our heads. For those traumatized, the thoughts don’t just pass— these types of negative thoughts are a constant battle.
Two things:
1) Be compassionate with others.  You don’t know their inner battle.
2) We need to guard our hearts against these self-condemning thoughts. 
Recognize the tone of voice in your heard and immediately go to what God has declared.  

= = = = = 

Without God’s Grace, we are left to be enslaved
by harsh internal condemnation.  
We must learn to stand
in God’s grace (Romans 5:2).
Remember that
“He chose you to live in the grace that Christ has provided.”
(Galatians 1:6)

 – – – – – – – – – – – 

“We can go to God being
confident that what we reveal about ourselves will be
UNDERSTOOD
and that our God
with whom we disclose ourselves will
ACCEPT us,
seek our (BEST INTEREST) good,
and COMMUNICATE
support and love.”

Cynthia Heald, My Creator, My Confidant

I teach this as UABC. 
God 
Understands us,
Accepts us,
seeks our Best interest,
Communicates love and support. 

  • – – – – – –  

“Casting the whole of your care
[all your anxieties,
all your worries, all your concerns,
once and for all]
on Him, for He cares for you
affectionately and
cares about you watchfully.”

(1 Peter 5:7 Amplified)

Grief Comes in Waves

To those who grieve:

I had often taught that grief comes like waves. I wrote this out for my family after we had loss two very dear loved ones.

To those who grieve:

Your hurt is so severe
because your love for them, and
their love for you, was dear and deep. 

No words can make it better,
but it may help to know that grief is experienced in waves. 

Grief is like being on a sunny deck of a ship, but then the ship suddenly evaporates and you are thrown into a cold ocean without warning.  There is a shock, a disorientation, a disbelief as one tries to grasp the reality of the cold water and the need to come to the surface to breathe.  Even though you are wearing a floatation device and able to catch your breath for a moment, large waves sweep you under again and again. 

Sometimes you are aware of others, who like you, are making every effort to stay at the surface just to breathe.  You try to reach to help them and they, to help you—  but the waves and currents conspire to have alternating moments of being alone again in the cold and other times holding onto others as they too struggle to just to gasp for air. 

Numbness, calm, and quiet is intermittently experienced with overwhelming crushing waves. As you all try to help each other back to the safety, It is a process of enduring the waves that sometimes catch you off guard, other times you see them coming. 

Sometimes the waves push you toward solid ground, other times it feels as if you are as far away as you were in the beginning. 

And there will be a day that you will begin with a few hours NOT thinking of your loss, but then the wave will come and you may even feel guilty for briefly feeling somewhat normal.  There will be moments of  “I need to be sure to tell him this or that” then realizing he is beyond our words.  Later that will become a frustration– “O, how I wish he were here to see or hear this.”

The pain will lessen.  It will become more like an ache— a strange mixture of emptiness, sadness, gratitude, and joyous confidence.  However, even then, be warned that there will be unexpected waves of oppressive grief that may last a few seconds— or all day.

We take some comfort in all our memories, the lives he touched, the people he encouraged— however, let us turn to the God of all comfort. Our assurance, our hope, our foundation is that he is waiting in the glorious presence of God Himself. 

All of mankind’s greatest thoughts and conceptions of all time,
all added together would not fill a second of God’s eternity.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard,and no mind has imagined what God has preparedfor those who love Him.May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father,who has loved us and given us eternal comfort and good hope by grace,comfort and strengthen your hearts.”

2 Corinthians 2:9 & 2 Thessalonians 5:15&16

May the God of all comfort,
be near the hearts of those who are grieving,
those who are struggling just to breathe.  

“For since we believe that Jesus died
and rose again, even so,
through Jesus, God will bring with Him
those who have fallen asleep”
–1 Thessalonians 4:14.

Golden Corollary

Golden corollary

We live in strange times.
In some ways we are so spoiled, entitled.  
The comforts of the modern age with so much available to us immediately 
make us often think along the lines of 
“I shouldn’t have to wait or be inconvenienced“ or “I deserve … “ 

Another part of entitlement that we have all been guilty of at least once or twice:  
When someone else does something outside the rules, 
we want enforcement.  
If I do the same thing, 
I want exemption.

In contrast to that, 
we also can BE TOO HARD on ourselves.  
Some people need to learn ‘to give themselves the same grace that they would give others.  
I call this the ‘Golden Corollary.’  
= = = = = 
I was attending a conference with a friend.  I was driving, we were talking, and I missed a turn, so we had to do just 5-6 minutes of back tracking.  For some reason I found myself mentioning my faux pas a few times at the conference.  At some point I stopped and thought it through.  

“If instead my friend was driving and we made the same mistake, when would I have let it go?  As soon as we found the place to turn around!  Would I have mentioned it at all?  No!  In fact I might not even remember it happened.  Why did I feel like I had to confess a non consequential mistake that no one would care about?  Because I had not learned to give myself the same grace as I give others.”  
= = = = 

If you tend to hold onto guilt or shame, 
Here is a good exercise: 
What if a good friend (sibling, child, etc.) was in a similar situation…  
What would you tell them?  
This is probably fairer, more compassionate, and more balanced than your typical response.  
It is probably much closer in content and tone of voice to 
what our Friend and Savior would say 
than the harsh tone of self-condemnation 
that some people seem to battle.  

And yes for some mistakes, you might tell a friend,
“You really messed up.  You need to apologize and make it right…. “ 
but you would still do it with a tone of love and compassion.  
They would still know that you were for them not against them.
= = =
If you tend to keep thinking about mistakes 
long after others have forgotten them, 
you need to practice the 

Golden Corollary—


“Do unto yourself with the
same grace you give to others.’

I wish no one at church knew that I had cancer

“I wish no one at church knew that I had cancer,” the woman said to me with tears in her eyes.  “I love my church.  I love the people there.  But I don’t think I can attend anymore.  One more thing I’m losing.”

Here is what led to this statement.  

People were well-intentioned, but they asked too many questions.  And if she was honest, they didn’t know how to respond.  They so wanted her to be better, but she wasn’t improving, she was dying, and people couldn’t handle that.  “I ceased being a person and became the ‘woman dying with cancer’.”  She also gave examples of silly things that people with serious illnesses don’t want to hear such as: “God will work all things out for good;” “God won’t give us more than we can bear;” “Just trust God;” etc.

A reminder— if someone is grieving, dealing with trauma, or a crisis 
AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS.  
Questions put people on the spot especially with people who they may not know that well or in a group/public setting.

Questions are stressful.  Instead, offer statements of honest encouragement (not fake clichés.).  Avoid the God-will-take-care or other spiritual-Bible sounding statements.  

What can you say?  
For someone you acquainted with but are not close enough to be considered a friend: 
“I am (or will be) praying for you;” “You are on my mind often;” “I don’t know what to say, except that we care and you are in my prayers each day;” “We are so concerned.  If I can help in anyway, please feel free to ask;” etc.  Only say these things if you can say them honestly.

If you are close enough to be considered friends, you can also say things like: 
“If you need to talk, I can listen (and just listen. Don’t offer advice or clichés);” 
“I go the grocery store 2x a week.  I would gladly do your shopping for you or pick up a few things;” 
“With a bit of notice, I can take you any appointments or treatments” 
“I love to make chicken parmesan.  I will bake extra and bring over for your family.” 
“Could I come over one day and do your laundry.  I can bring something to read so you can just pretend I’m not there;” 
“I can run any errands, pick up kids after school, prescriptions, etc.;” 
“I can babysit, clean house, do yardwork;” “
If there is a particular time of day or event that is the hardest, I will gladly pray for you at that time;“ 
etc.

AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS 
instead
Use your imagination– what would be helpful to someone in this situation?
Then offer practical, specific assistance.